Like everyone else in the universe on Saturday, we went to Costco, which is a big warehouse place. When you go on a weekend, you will circle the parking lot 700 times, following a person with a cart full of stuff and then someone will sneak into the space you waited 15 minutes for and then you start the circling again and, if you are Archie and me, you will sing the "Jaws" theme over an over and over. And it never gets old. OK, the circling gets old, but singing the "Jaws" theme? That's always funny. And, when someone has stolen your spot yet again, you will sigh and then have a little mini-party when you score a fantastic spot right up front. And it only took what felt like an hour!
We finally entered and began our slow and meandering quest to acquire large quantities of stuff. A jumbo pack of Capri Sun. Huge bags of Halloween candy (and candy eyeballs -- we're gonna be the coolest house on the block!). Some other stuff I've forgotten already. We are prepared for the slow going with comedy that never gets old. "Hey -- do we need a quart of capers? What about an industrial size bucket of mayo?" And then we had a fight with the rudest people in the entire place.
There are always employees at the end of aisles with free food samples. We don't personally partake of the free samples, but apparently this is a favored practice. To my mind, if you are going to crowd the end of the aisle to wait and sample cookies or cheese or whatever else Costco has purchased a metric ton of and would like you to buy, you should stash your cart away from the aisle so the people who would like to buy something in that aisle can get by. But I am obviously out of my gourd and old people think that's a move for sissies.
Archie said, "Excuse me," to an elderly woman who was blocking the aisle with her cart. She didn't respond, so he hit her with our cart, called her a bitch, and then stole her purse. Ha! No, he didn't, but you would have thought he did by her response. I'm guessing that even though she was 700 years old and he called her ma'am and was polite, she mistook this as him being the rudest human on the planet and felt the need to tell him to shut up. We moved past her and Archie said, "Fuck you, you skanky old bitch!" Oh, wait, no he didn't. He said, "Ma'am, your cart is blocking the aisle. I just want to get past you." This set off another woman who was living in the same imaginary world as the elderly woman and started screaming at us. Archie went up to her and hissed, "Outside right now so I can kick your ass!" Wait, no he didn't. He said, "That's very nice to jump in when it's not really any of your business." Which ticked off the second woman who turned out to be the daughter of the first woman and I guess she thought it was beyond the pale that my husband actually spoke to her mother with a respectful tone and used the term ma'am and was polite and calm in the face of yelling and rudeness. Because the daughter proceeded to swear loudly. Which was when I called over my shoulder (with no attempt to be polite because those women were craaaazy), "That's really nice language to use in public around children!"
When we were done shopping and in the car driving home, Archie said it was like being in an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Except without the jaunty and annoying tuba music. He also said those women were probably in their car talking about how rude and awful we were.
"Yeah, but I'm betting the old biddies don't have a blog to bitch about us! Ha! Because I'm going to make fun of them. I'm so adult and mature like that!"