i am the meanest

Lou: You will never buy me an iPhone.
Me: Nope.
Lou: Then how will I ever have one?
Me: Get a job and save your money.
Lou: But I'm only eight, almost nine.
Me: Which is why you don't need an iPhone or a job.
Lou: You are the meanest!
Me: Yep.
Lou: Can I have a shuffle?
Me: No.
Lou: It was worth a shot.
Me: I appreciate the effort.

the american girls, they are us

The girls are all in love with the American Girl dolls. Bebe wants one for her birthday. They all received mini-dolls and pets for Christmas and they enjoy the books. This morning, Elizabee asked, "How old would someone be if they were born in 1974?"

Me: 38.
Bebe: So Julie would be 38 now.
Me: No, Julie wasn't born in 1974. How old was she in the books?
Bebe: Nine.
Me: Then she was born in 1965 so she's my age.
Lou: So how old is Felicity?
Me: Dead.
Bebe: How about Kit?
Me: She'd be about as old as Great Aunt Nonie. And Molly was in WWII, right?
Lou: Yeah.
Me: So she'd be about Grandma's age.

Maybe when the girls are all grown up there will be an American Girl who was born at or after the Millenium and they can tell their own girls about how Julie is Grandma's age now and the new-er girl is the same age as Mommy.

I think I just imagined having grandchildren -- whoa.

i got it right!

We had McDonald's for dinner. (Shut up. I really wanted a Big Mac and it's hot and gross and we're not supposed to grill because did you hear? California is on fire.) And I went to the one a little further away because they have shakes. (Don't even get me started about how stupid it is that the Mickey D's close to our house doesn't have a shake machine. But -- they have $1 sundaes. I think not having shakes is kind of like not having fries. But, anyway.) So, Lou was sucking every last tiny bit of shake out of her cup, making that slurping sound.

Archie: Do you know what that sound means in Australia?
Louisa: What?
Archie: The same thing it means here!
[Child looks confused.]
Me: That's wrong! Lou, do you know what that sound means in Australia?
Louisa: What?
Me: The cup is empty -- same as here!
Archie: That's what I said.
Me: No, it's not. What you said makes no sense. What I said is funny. Because, that's my joke and I was the person who told it to you.
Archie: Wow. That's the first time since I've known you that you didn't mess up a joke.
Me: I know! Really, I'm all proud of myself here.

thoughts on le tour de france 2008

1. I love Team LiquiGas. But I mourn when the announcers used to pronounce it "Leaky Gas." Now they say, "Lee-kwee Gas" and my inner twelve year old is sad.

2. I love Phil Liggett.

3. An announcer tonight said, "We'll return to Nantes -- the Venice of the west." I turned to Archie and said, "Um, isn't Venice the Venice of the west?"

charlotte becomes me

A very long time ago, when Charlotte was just barely a toddler, she said something very, very amusing. (I'm thinking she was right around two.) I'd put her down for a nap and had taken a shower and put on a little makeup and fixed my hair -- which was a far cry from what I'd looked like when I put her down. (Incredible bedhead, mismatched pajamas, probably unbrushed teeth.) I walked into her room to get her out of her crib and she looked at me for several seconds. "Mama, you are adorable!" Then she looked at my shirt, which was from the Heard Museum in Phoenix and has this Catrina picture right in the middle. "And evil! Adorable and evil."

Today, Cha was the only one of my daughters who fell in love with a pair of fake Vans with glitter skulls on them. She didn't really need any new shoes, but hey! They are very cute and she was the one who enjoyed them (and they were on sale). As we were waiting to get our hair cut, she was admiring them and pointed out that the padded collar of the shoe has butterflies and hearts and flowers as a border. "Mama, they're adorable!"

"And evil!" I replied and Cha laughed and said, "I'm just like you, Mama!" I don't know how she remembered that, but it was obvious that she did. So Ms.ChaCha is achieving her apparent goal of being adorable and evil, just like me.

why is everyone asleep when I have bad puns to make?

I just noticed in the TV listings that there is a show on called All About Dung. The following is my imaginary conversation:

Imaginary person: Hey! Whatcha watching?
Me: All About Dung.
Imaginary person: How is it?
Me: It's a piece of shit.

"in the shadow of the moon"

Hi. It's apparently all space stuff all the time around here for now.

We finished watching the documentary In the Shadow of the Moon, which was wonderful. I have decided that John Young is about the coolest cucumber ever. (He's the astronaut who said he was on the moon when he heard the shuttle program was approved and who said it like he was at the grocery store or something.) He did a mission to the moon with Eugene Cernan who said that when they had liftoff, the flight surgeon said that Cernan's heartrate was about 130. But Young's was around 70. Man. "Just going to the moon on top of this rocket, but it's no big deal or anything."

And I just went to read his Wikipedia entry and I think I love him even more. He's flown four classes of spacecraft, walked on the moon, set a lunar rover speed record (now there's a rarified category), and was on the maiden shuttle voyage. But do you know what sealed the deal of my love? The man smuggled a corned beef sandwich on a Gemini flight. (For which it says he was "reprimanded." Like I'm sure that upset him!) Also, even though he's almost 80 and retired several years ago, he still attends weekly astronaut meetings.

Love.

"when we left earth"

Last night we finished watching When We Left Earth about NASA and I discovered that I will still cry when watching the Challenger explosion. The kids (especially Lou) have been enthralled by the previous episodes, but Archie and I watched the final two hours (covering the shuttle program) last night without kids.

The astronauts are the kings of understatement. One from the very first shuttle flight was asked where he was when he found out that the shuttle program would be funded. "On the moon. I was on the moon." With a totally straight face, no emotion -- as if "I was on the moon," was just the same as saying, "I was at the DMV -- getting my license for my LUNAR ROVER!" Heh. Also, Gene Kranz became, for me, like Buck O'Neil was in Ken Burns' Baseball -- the break-out star commenting from the sidelines. (Or Mission Control.) I think I'm kind of in love with him.

We were making a lot of fun of some of the stuff relating to the space station. Especially the Russians. "What do the cosmonauts eat?" "Borscht!" "No, dehydrated space borscht. And potato. A potato. And then they ask the astronauts to bring some Tang -- to sprinkle on the potato." Also, we wondered if the Russian cohort has a vodka still.

Just more proof (Ha! Proof! Vodka! Ha!) that we can make stupid fun of absolutely anything. Well, except for the Challenger explosion. Because that is still almost unbearably sad.

i am becoming an old, crabby woman

I'm watching the Cubs vs. Sox and getting upset about the baseball pants. Have you seen how the young kids are wearing their baseball pants? They don't tuck them into their socks -- they wear them long and all pooling over their shoes! It's really ugly. And it makes me unhappy and forces me to talk to the TV.

I am officially old, I think. "Get off my lawn, turn down your troubled youth music, and tuck your damn pants in!"

"the sting" and coincidences

Archie and I watched The Sting tonight. In a weird coincidence, I found two people on Facebook this evening who I first saw the movie with over twenty years ago. Cue weird Twilight Zone music.

Anyway, man is that movie slooow. It's something that seems apparent with a lot of movies from the 70s. I kept wanting to scream, "Move it along! It's called a movie! Let's see something move for Christ's sake!" Seriously, there was a static shot of a God damned light bulb. Why? I suspect the director thought it was very artistic. And, talky. I love a talky movie sometimes, but really.

Paul Newman is super hot, though. Those eyes. Wow. And when he's wearing the tux in the fake horse racing book? Ah, a wing-tip collar is so beautiful.

And, an added bonus -- a quick story from when I was in college, related to Paul Newman. He went to the same college I did. When they were breaking ground for the new library, I went to the ceremony. A few friends and I told some gullible new students that Newman was supposed to attend and they should look for him. Ha! Also, somewhere I have the alumni registry with Paul's phone number in it. Wouldn't it be hysterical to call Paul Newman? "Hi. I went to the same college you did. I watched The Sting and you were very, very hot." OK, maybe not such a good idea.

i love dairy too much

So, maybe you've heard about the 21 day cleanse that Oprah is/was doing? My understanding is that it's essentially a vegan jump start -- so no animal products. And I am cool if you're a vegan or vegetarian. Yay for you! But, I like dairy. I really don't believe that soy ice cream is anything like real ice cream. And I love real ice cream. Also, butter. Don't even get me started on sour cream and the place it holds in my consciousness. Honestly, if I could free my mind from the almost constant reveries revolving around sour cream, I could probably solve the mortgage crisis. Sorry, America.

Anyway, the real point I want to make is that the oprah.com message boards on the cleanse topic are hilarious. Another thing you're supposed to give up is alcohol. And one poster said, "I really like a glass of wine in the evening. I think I'll just continue on with that plan and give up meat and eggs and wheat and sugar and dairy and deliciousness and my will to live."*

The reply to that comment was, no kidding, "Substitute pomegranate juice for wine!" Now, I'm totally cool with anyone giving up whatever they want to, but that person has obviously never had an alcoholic beverage, ever. Because if anyone told me to substitute pomegranate juice for wine, I might have a stroke from the laughter.

*Obviously paraphrased. And, also, my own characterization of my reaction to a cleanse that I think is a tad extreme. I'm pretty sure a lot of vegans actually eat things with sugar and gluten. And have some wine and caffeine.

what it's like in our house once the kids are in bed

[Archie is flipping through the channels and puts on The Freshman.]

Me: That was a cute movie.
Archie: Yeah.
Me: Sadly, it just reminds me that Bruno Kirby is dead.
Archie: He is? When did he die?
Me: A year ago? Wait. [I search for Bruno Kirby on IMDb.] Shit. He died almost two years ago.
Archie: Wow.

And, scene.

unscientific

While getting the girls ready for school (next to last day, yay), there was a piece on the Today Show about how women who have two cups of coffee a day have a 25% lower occurrence of heart disease or heart attacks (or something having to do with the heart -- I wasn't paying super-close attention). Lulu asked me why I thought that was the case.

"Um, maybe because with the caffeine from two cups of coffee, women are vibrating [and here, I stood up and started to shake in a violent manner] and the plaque can't stick to the arteries?"

There was a pause as Lou stared at me.

"I don't think that's why, Mama."

favorite twitters the second

I should really be getting to bed because I am exhausted and I have to be up and showered and totally presentable since Cha's kindergarten graduation is tomorrow morning, early. But, instead, I thought I'd share some of my favorite twitters with you. Again. (First installment here.)

koroshiya: also, i find it increasingly hilarious that people bitch about twitter while using twitter to do so.

*****

mrsnewman: Drinking a homemade (workmade?) iced latte, contemplating how I've become a completely detestable yuppie.
wonkybutt: a detestable yuppie with a delicious beverage!

*****

ravinald: Person on train: Is that a *bacon* wallet? Me: Yes it is! Person: AWESOME!

*****

mrsnewman: me, on eating some Japanese hard candy: "I has a weird flavor!" @rnewman in response (playing GTA4): "I has a rocket launcher!"

rock on, celtics

I am a dedicated Suns fan and since they aren't in the Finals, I shouldn't be paying any attention to basketball at all. But the Celtics (a team my dad loved and which I rooted for through my childhood and young adulthood) just came back from a 20 point deficit to beat the hated Lakers. And now they're up three games to one.

That sound you hear? Me laughing myself silly.

i may not be hot -- but my new bike is

We picked up my new bike. An Electra Amsterdam in basic black. It is beautiful. It rides like -- well, remember how much you loved riding your very first bike? How fun it was? Yeah, like that. With a bell to ding-ding, too.

We walked into the bike shop (Bike Garage, in Fremont -- they're good people and Archie's done a lot of business there and has been very happy) and when we told one of the guys we were there to pick up the Amsterdam, he said, "Man, that is a pretty, pretty bike." When he brought it out on the floor, it turned other customers' heads. As Archie was finishing up paying and stuff, this very young and pretty girl approached me and asked, "Is that yours? It's beautiful! I wish I was in the market for a bike like that!"

I rode it home, smiling all the way. Then I took the girls down to the schoolyard so Lou and I could pedal around on the playground. (Bebe and ChaCha wanted to swing and play on the jungle gym.) Lulu and I were zipping around in the front parking lot and I heard a man say, "Excuse me?" I stopped and turned around. This guy was standing there and he asked me what kind of bike it was and where I got it. So I told him and he said, "An Amsterdam, huh? That's the perfect name -- I lived there for a few years and everyone had a bike that looked like that."

I think my bike is the equivalent of a cute puppy. I guess I need to brush up on my small talk skills. Apparently, having a pretty bike gets you noticed.

can you use it in a sentence?

It's spelling bee time! Oh, how I love it. Today, in the earlier rounds a girl said, "Can I have an easier word?" And, really, there were some hard words -- especially the words based on names. I mean, I know how to spell "Biedermeier" but that's because I've seen it and I kinda sorta know the rules of Germanic spelling. I also got a little teary when a boy who was making his fifth appearance at the Bee was eliminated and everyone stood up and applauded for him. Poor kid. His face just fell as the bell was sounded.

The girls and I are planning on making brownies and watching the finals tonight. We just have to decide which kind of brownies to make -- with chocolate chips, with nuts, with caramel. I think we'll also have some ice cream, too.

There is much to do tomorrow. Clean the pig sty we call our house, color my hair, find a blouse to wear to a wedding, go look into getting that bike I want. Also, "Lost." We have the finale on the DVR and man, it is killing me not to watch it. And if Desmond and Penny don't end up together, I will have to hurt someone.

double score at target

We had to pick up some stuff at Target on Sunday. So, we all loaded into the Saturn and arrived to find it fairly empty for an early Sunday afternoon. We saw individual Indiana Jones DVDs, which excited Archie because, "I can just get the first and third ones and pretend the second one never existed!" Ha! The girls were happy and Archie was pushing all three of them on the cart -- Cha likes to balance on the bottom shelf of the cart and hang onto the handle, kind of in-between whoever is pushing the cart and the cart itself. The twins were each on a side. We debated whether to stock up on Coke Zero, since it was on sale and decided cheap caffeine was a worthy expenditure.

We were in the first aid aisle as Archie tried to figure out which Band-Aids he wanted. A woman approached us and asked if all the girls belonged to us. "Um, yeah." Cha was on the bottom of the cart, picking her nose and the twins were standing being all emo-like and staring at their feet. The woman said, "They are all super-cute and so full of personality!" She must have been stalking us through the store. She introduced herself as a talent scout and gave me her card. There is no way I want to get my girls into the entertainment business, but it was nice to have a professional who tries to find cute kids as her job tell me mine were adorable. Score one for the girls!

So, now we've got the Band-Aids and we're moving past the electronic section and Archie notices boxes of what look like Wii consoles. We thought about getting a Wii for Christmas, but they were tough to come by and well, we're kind of lazy and figured we would get one after the Christmas rush. Except they've still been hard to come by. But our local Target had just gotten in a shipment that morning and we instantly bought one. Second score for the whole family! I think I was much more excited than the kids -- they seemed kind of bored, while I was actually doing a little dance right there.

The kids became appropriately excited once we set up the console and let them play. They love it and I think I've already developed Wii tennis wrist. I foresee summer tournaments. A friend came over last night and we all took turns (we only have two controllers) bowling and playing tennis. I had to promise the girls we'd set up Miis for them this evening -- but I made them promise that they'd get their homework done and take showers before we did that. I will live up to my end of the bargain!

(The best thing last night was when Archie and Jeff were playing tennis after I'd put the girls to bed. Cha was exhausted and I think she fell right to sleep. But the big girls both came out several times to get drinks of water and they would stand and drink very slooooowly so they could watch. That was very funny.)

maybe cha will be the evil genius

This morning, as Charlotte and I waited for the class to open, a little boy who she dislikes was walking across the play yard. Cha said, "It's my nemesis, Christian!" And she said "Christian" just like Jerry Seinfeld always said "Newman." It was hilarious.

Especially to think that a six year old has a nemesis. Christian should be very afraid.

best birthday song

Last night, as I was getting ready to turn out the lights and send the girls off to sleep, the twins told me they had a special birthday song for me. They'd learned a song at school for Cinco de Mayo and they had reworked the lyrics to make it a birthday song for me. Lulu sang the new song and Bebe had me in tears with laughter. At the end of each line of the song, she would pop her head out from behind her sister, flash some perfect jazz hands, and chant, "She's 43! She's 43!"

It was absolutely hysterical and I hope it becomes a birthday fixture.