halloween is over

Thank God, because I was really tired of all the costume changing. But the girlies had a blast. We went to Archie's work for a parade and party and it was fine until their friend (the daughter of one of Archie's coworkers) showed up when it turned into the best party ever ever ever. They played and squealed and Archie and I invited the other family over for Thanksgiving and then it was even better. Seriously, my girls are so easy to please and take such joy in simple things like a friend coming for a party or Thanksgiving.

Tonight was fun. Archie got stuck in traffic, so the girls helped pass out candy. (The eyeballs were a smashing success.) I can't believe we had over 50 trick-or-treaters! (I know how many we had because we had a bag of the eyeballs and there were over 60 eyeballs in that bag and we were less several because the girls had to taste them. Heh.) We had all the cute kids and the lame-o teenagers who don't dress up but still want candy. Jeez, at least wear a mask or something. Archie finally got home and took the kinder out to collect some candy. People give out great stuff these days. The big hit was whoever gave out containers of Playdough. After the girls were in bed, the doorbell rang and Archie answered it. On our porch were about 4 teens, all in costume, who began singing Christmas carols. That was fantastic! We gave them all the rest of the chocolate candy and made them promise to come by at Christmas and sing Halloween songs. Then we blew out the candles in the jack-o-lanterns, turned out the porch light, and relaxed.

Bring on Thanksgiving!

a few notes for the googling public

1. I do not hate my husband. Seriously, I don't know how anyone reads far enough into the searches to find my little site, but, for the record, I love my husband!

2. You will not find tips about actual slugs here. Sorry. And, wow -- you have them in your dishwasher? Gross.

3. An awful lot of people seem to be worried about wobbly teeth. I hope this is because they have children who are losing baby teeth and not because they are adults who have adult teeth falling out of their heads.

4. I know nothing about rodeo princess costumes. Although being a rodeo princess sounds awesome. I'd suggest a hat and boots and maybe a skirt with fringe. And a big-ass belt buckle. A horse would make it perfect. I think I'd like to be a rodeo princess in real life.

rumble at the costco

Like everyone else in the universe on Saturday, we went to Costco, which is a big warehouse place. When you go on a weekend, you will circle the parking lot 700 times, following a person with a cart full of stuff and then someone will sneak into the space you waited 15 minutes for and then you start the circling again and, if you are Archie and me, you will sing the "Jaws" theme over an over and over. And it never gets old. OK, the circling gets old, but singing the "Jaws" theme? That's always funny. And, when someone has stolen your spot yet again, you will sigh and then have a little mini-party when you score a fantastic spot right up front. And it only took what felt like an hour!

We finally entered and began our slow and meandering quest to acquire large quantities of stuff. A jumbo pack of Capri Sun. Huge bags of Halloween candy (and candy eyeballs -- we're gonna be the coolest house on the block!). Some other stuff I've forgotten already. We are prepared for the slow going with comedy that never gets old. "Hey -- do we need a quart of capers? What about an industrial size bucket of mayo?" And then we had a fight with the rudest people in the entire place.

There are always employees at the end of aisles with free food samples. We don't personally partake of the free samples, but apparently this is a favored practice. To my mind, if you are going to crowd the end of the aisle to wait and sample cookies or cheese or whatever else Costco has purchased a metric ton of and would like you to buy, you should stash your cart away from the aisle so the people who would like to buy something in that aisle can get by. But I am obviously out of my gourd and old people think that's a move for sissies.

Archie said, "Excuse me," to an elderly woman who was blocking the aisle with her cart. She didn't respond, so he hit her with our cart, called her a bitch, and then stole her purse. Ha! No, he didn't, but you would have thought he did by her response. I'm guessing that even though she was 700 years old and he called her ma'am and was polite, she mistook this as him being the rudest human on the planet and felt the need to tell him to shut up. We moved past her and Archie said, "Fuck you, you skanky old bitch!" Oh, wait, no he didn't. He said, "Ma'am, your cart is blocking the aisle. I just want to get past you." This set off another woman who was living in the same imaginary world as the elderly woman and started screaming at us. Archie went up to her and hissed, "Outside right now so I can kick your ass!" Wait, no he didn't. He said, "That's very nice to jump in when it's not really any of your business." Which ticked off the second woman who turned out to be the daughter of the first woman and I guess she thought it was beyond the pale that my husband actually spoke to her mother with a respectful tone and used the term ma'am and was polite and calm in the face of yelling and rudeness. Because the daughter proceeded to swear loudly. Which was when I called over my shoulder (with no attempt to be polite because those women were craaaazy), "That's really nice language to use in public around children!"

When we were done shopping and in the car driving home, Archie said it was like being in an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Except without the jaunty and annoying tuba music. He also said those women were probably in their car talking about how rude and awful we were.

"Yeah, but I'm betting the old biddies don't have a blog to bitch about us! Ha! Because I'm going to make fun of them. I'm so adult and mature like that!"

halloween overload

So, eveyone's dressed and fed and the girls are watching "Arthur" before we get the big ones to school. And I'm stressing mildly over the fact that Halloween has suddenly become a major holiday.

When I was a kid (and had a pet triceratops, heh), there was a parade at school, a classroom party at the end of the day, and trick-or-treating. The end, enjoy your candy.

This year, we have a party at the kajukenbo dojo on Friday, the family parade and party at Archie's work on Monday (which is a lot of fun and the girls love it), the after-school parade on Tuesday, and then trick-or-treating. Dear Lord, that's a lot of dressing up and candy and excitement. We've also found out that the amusement park that time forgot has a weekend sleepover, which I know the kids would have fits of joy over. But -- you have to be at least 5 and there's no way we could hide atttendance from Cha, so we're planning on everyone going next year.

You know how ridiculous I sound, right? "Man, Halloween has turned into a scheduling nightmare! But I think there's one more thing the kids would really like to do, so we'll add it on next year."

I obviously hit my head very hard and now I'm certifiably insane!

dinosaur, dedication, and divorce

So, this weekend, Archie and I were out on the deck and he got this semi-pained look on his face. "God, I can't believe it." All I could think was that he saw another mouse or some other rodent near the fence. "What is it now?" I asked. "I can't believe we have...dinousaurs!" And he kicked a plastic dino sitting in the driveway that one of the girls had left there.

Tonight, while we were watching "Jeopardy!" an answer got the girls and I talking about pseudonyms. Elizabee said she was going to write a book and she would write it under her own name. "And I will dedicate it to you, Mama." "That's really sweet, Bebe." "It will say, 'To my mother who gave me almost everything I wanted!'" I would like the award for best mother ever right now.

Archie lost his wedding ring on Saturday. He'd gone to kajukenbo (where he takes it off) and then he realized it wasn't in his bag and it wasn't just lying around. Tonight when he came home from work, he was still upset. I told him it was OK; it's just a ring. He replied, "Yeah, I know, but if I don't find it we'll have to get divorced!" I started to laugh, but the girls were very concerned and I had to reassure them that he was just kidding. He came home from the dojo later and he'd found it -- in the trunk of the car. I told him I was very happy we could stay married.

This post has been brought to you by the letter D.

whore-free

Some people who read here know this story, because I've told it elsewhere. Too bad this is a repeat -- it's a really funny story!

When I was about 5 or 6, my aunt, who was an English teacher, was visiting. I was reading a book and I asked my aunt what W-H-O-R-E spelled. She replied, without any thought, "Whore." I said thanks and carried on.

Now, my aunt thought for a moment and wondered why her little niece was reading a book with the word whore in it. So she asked me to show her the word in the book. I dutifully pointed it out. The word wasn't "whore", it was "who're". I apparently wasn't big on apostrophes at that point.

What was the book, you ask? Why, "Danny and the Dinosaur". Totally whore-free!

for isa

This is for your amusement, Isabelle, in celebration of your new store! Another funny Lulu moment.

We were talking about options for Halloween costumes. We have this fantastic Sully monster costume that Bebe wore a long time ago. I told Louisa maybe I could talk ChaCha into wearing. "Why, Mama?" "Well, Cha would make an adorable monster."

"Yeah," she answered, "and because you're cheap!"

She was absolutely correct. Sadly, Charlotte did not want to be Sully, she is going to be Cinderella. And Bebe is Sleeping Beauty. Our Lou is Pocahontas (and I'm giggling because I remember when they used to pronounce that as Mochahontas -- like a Disney/Starbucks children's drink).

I'm hoping against hope that the princess thing is soon to be over. Although a Native American princess is a step in the right direction.

we watch too many tlc programs

Last night, Louisa was goofing around with this pencil. It had broken in two and she took the piece with no eraser on it and sharpened both ends. Then she held it up and said, in a very movie trailer-voiceover way, "One Was Two: The Autobiography of a Conjoined Pencil!"

Then we both laughed hysterically. God, that was funny.

What was even funnier was that I told her to go and tell Archie because I knew he would think it was amazingly funny, too. Lou got all shy and told me no and that I couldn't tell him, either. So I asked if I could write about it here, at slug rodeo.

She thought for a moment and asked, "You really want anyone in the entire world to read about this?"

"Sure! It's funny!"

"OK. But you can't tell Daddy!"

So I'm not telling. But I also neglected to tell her that Archie might possibly read this and then I've foiled her. Ha!

why garry marshall is a genius

So, we watched "The Princess Diaries" this morning. Garry Marshall (the director) is simply brilliant. Think about it. He made a little movie about a hooker who gets schooled in manners and deportment by Hector Elizondo and then she wins her john and gets a happily ever after, just like a princess. You might have heard about it -- the word was it did a little business. Then, Marshall makes another movie where a girl IS a princess and Hector Elizondo (with a little help from Julie Andrews) teaches her how to behave as one and she gets her happily ever after without being a prostitute. I wish I had thought of it.

And reason 599 that I love my husband? He sat and watched the entire thing with us -- even though I told him he could switch to the football. Reason 600 is that I think he enjoyed it -- which makes he and I both 14 year old girls. Heh.

best friends

You know what the best thing about the first day of school is? When Bebe sees her friend and goes barreling toward her squealing, "Larisha!" And Larisha yells, "Elizabeth!" as she runs and they look like a 7 year old, all-girl version of Cathy and Heathcliff running across the moors and then they fling themselves into a full-contact hug. And at the same time, Lulu is propelling herself at several of her friends and then they all skip to the playground, holding hands and chattering away.

That's the best.

And tomorrow, Cha goes back to preschool and there has been a lot talk about how she can't wait to see her friend, Suliman. I predict much sweet cuteness will abound. And then I'll have to come home and take a nap, just to recover from all the best friend love.

i love baseball

Since my Cubs are having a typical year (read: languishing in the basement), I look to other sources for my sheer love of the game. Monday was the championship game in the Little League World Series. There was a stunning amount of cuteness and joy and heartbreak (I'm not ashamed to say I smiled and cheered for the American team who won and in the same moment shed a tear for the Japanese team who lost).

My favorite moment was a shot of the diamond after the game had ended. Green grass littered with the dropped gloves of the winning team. That was perfection.

I hope all those kids had some ice cream afterwards.

the dumbest joke ever

Seriously. And it is made even dumber by the fact that I cracked myself up so badly that I snorted and actually fell out of bed.

So, Archie and I were in bed, reading. I was reading a book about Herman Melville. And I started to read a passage out of it to Archie. He asked, "So, Melville wrote 'Moby Dick', right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"I've never read it."

"Really? It's a whale of a book." And that's when I fell out of bed, snorting at my own completely stupid pun.

It's a wonder I'm still married and that my children have not been taken away from me.

why my day was much better than your day

OK -- it didn't seem, at first blush, like it was going to be a fantastic day. The twins were having their molars sealed which meant driving over to the Peninsula and dealing with Cha and her boundless energy and LOUD voice in the small waiting room. (I now know why all parents have some version of the phrase, "I'm right next to you -- lower your voice.") Sure, we were going to the library after, but even that wasn't enough to make it seem like any more than a pain in the ass day.

It seemed that it might be an even worse than a pain in the ass day when we arrived at the dentist's office and the fish tank was gone. That meant 10 minutes of Charlotte moaning about the gone-ness of the fish -- 15 minutes when she normally would have been engrossed in looking at the fish. Oh, this was not good.

Then, the receptionist took us across the parking lot when Lulu went back to an exam room and turned everything into gold. Guess. Go on -- guess what we were shown.

Puppies! 5 adorable, yippy, wiggly puppies! So, Cha and Bebe and I played with the puppies and held the puppies and cooed at the puppies. Then, after about 20 minutes, we went back to the office and switched Bebe out for Lulu and our new configuaration went back to play with the puppies. Puppies and kids are magic. It was too much fun.

(The twins were also excited that they got to watch a movie during their procedures on the headset goggles. Not an entire movie, but Lou said she watched the beginning of "Cheaper by the Dozen" and Elizabee was excited that she saw the beginning of "Madagascar".)

Puppies. Seriously, top going to the dentist and then playing with puppies. Yeah, I didn't think you could.

fight science

The National Geographic network is running this show called "Fight Science" which is very cool and science-y and martial art-y. In one part of the show they measure the amount of force a punch or kick can deliver and it's amazing. One of the guys says, "I feel like Superman. In a very humble way." That cracked me up.

i didn't even get an invitation

This morning, Charlotte was skipping around outside, swinging her arms and singing.

"Walking in the park with Dennis. With Dennis. Walking and singing in the park with Dennis..."
"Hey! Who is Dennis, Cha?"
"My husband. Walking in the park with Dennis..."

They grow up so fast. Heh.

waking up

Lou came into my bedroom and whispered, "Mama, wake up! I am so mad!" Really, that's not something you want to hear upon waking. As we went into the kitchen she explained what was upsetting her. "These books from the library? The diaries? They're not real! They're fiction, Mama! I'm so mad!" Heh. Considering that she knows what fiction is and that there was an author's name on the cover of the books, I, stupidly, figured she'd realize these were fictionalized accounts. I figured wrong. Oops.

Bebe was very Bebe. "I'm hungry. What can I have for breakfast?"

Charlotte bounced out and climbed up on my lap, with a huge smile. "I had the best dream!" I waited a few moments and then asked, "Well? What was your dream about?" "Mama, I'm too happy to say." A minute later she said, grinning, "I had a guitar -- and a little sister!"

When she was telling Archie about her fantastic dream, Archie asked, "Did you play your dream little sister like a guitar?"

"Daddy! No! That would be rude."

the kara-tay picnic

For the last several months, Archie has been taking classes in Kajukenbo. It's a combination martial art (karate/judo/ken for something I don't remember/boxing). It was developed in Hawaii and is considered the first real American martial art. (Also, I call it the Esperanto of martial arts because I'm goofy.) Yesterday, we went to the picnic at a local park and it was lots of fun. Most of the students are kids (and the twins are going to be starting after school starts again) and so there were lots of young people and the girls had a great time. They had a raffle and Archie won a free hour of groundwork with the second in command, which he's very excited about. And it was the Sifu's birthday and all the kids gave him a punch in the stomach, instead of spanks, which was kind of funny.

I was kind of "eh" about the girls doing this as a sport. But I've come around to thinking it's a really good thing. Archie says the kids at the dojo are all really focussed and respectful and have a lot of fun. He said Sifu is really great with kids -- he routinely plans stuff for just the kids (movies and stuff) that give it more of a community feel rather than just a sport or activity. And Archie says the girls at the dojo are amazing and strong and love to fight and he wants that for our girls, which I've decided is a great thing.

Also, Archie found this show on MTV2 called "Final Fu" which is a reality/competition show about martial arts. The contestants are all young adults. I have no idea how good they are, but it's fun to watch all the different disciplines. And, it's really amazing to watch the attitudes of these kids. On most reality shows, there's a lot of bluster and blaming other people and it gets really tiring after a while. These contestants all admit to their own failings and strengths. It's quite refreshing to see a young guy say the only person to blame for his elimination is himself -- and that now he's going to go and work even harder. I just have come around to what a great way of looking at things in this way is -- and martial arts seem to foster this. So, I guess I'm going to be the kara-TAY! mom.

Archie says Sifu says about one of the teenage girls, "That girl loves to bang!" Meaning that she loves to fight. Apparently, even the boys don't want to mess with her because she brings it. And I met her at the picnic and she's adorable and polite and man, I would be completely happy if my girls loved to bang, too.

the talk

You know, The Talk. The birds and the bees. How babies are made -- at least the old-fashioned way. S-E-X.

The other night, Bebe and Lulu were asking me all kinds of questions about how babies are made. The info they had up to that point: girls have a uterus, a vagina, and eggs, boys have a penis and sperm, the sperm and egg combine to make a baby which grows in the uterus and then is either pushed out or the mother is cut open and the baby is pulled out. Oh, and Bebe got a crucial bit of info about sperm coming out of the penis which she thought was a joke.

Anyway, the discussion was at bedtime and the gist was that they wanted to know how the egg and sperm got together. Mostly, I thought this was a ploy to not go to sleep, so I said we'd talk about it the next day, fairly certain it would be forgotten because they had a field trip for camp the next day. Beebs woke up and the first thing she said was, "So, how do the egg and sperm get together?" I said it was a little involved and we'd discuss when they came home from camp. As we got in the car to drive home, Elizabeth was all, "So? How? You promised!"

So we came home and I explained the basics. There were 2 very funny moments. The first was when Elizabee asked if maybe, since the sperm comes out of the penis, the guy puts the sperm in a cup? Oh, my, I had to force myself to not laugh and then go on a whole tangent about that really happening. No need to confuse the poor kids too much at the start. The second very amusing thing was after I'd finished, I asked if they had any questions. Beebs said, "The man puts his penis in the woman's vagina? I think I'll just adopt."

I had to excuse myself to go stifle my laughter in my bathroom into a pillow.

the day i probably made 2 mormon missionaries very happy

Flashback time! Flashback time!

The twins were a few weeks old. I was incredibly sleep deprived. I was nursing them, so all I wore in the first month or so after they were born was a pair of underwear and my Cat in the Hat chenille bathrobe. This was because I never went anywhere, so there was no point in getting dressed. (If someone I wasn't related to came to visit I'd put on my nursing PJs, which were more presentable, but still, not really clothing.) Also, easy, quick access to the breastaurant. Open 24 hours, table for 2. God, I crack myself up.

Anyway, so one afternoon I was alone in the apartment with the girls. I had just completed a feeding and was holding the last diner. There was a knock on the door. I (stupidly) went to answer it. Before me were 2 Mormons in their white shirts and ties and all clean-cut and scrubbed. One started to ask if I'd like to talk about Jesus. (I am not making fun of Mormons. While I don't generally want to talk about Jesus with strangers, I am always polite and courteous and send them on their way to find someone who does want to discuss Our Lord and Savior.) Anyway, I told these boys that I was sorry, but I had just given birth to twins, I was by myself, and I was too exhausted to have a conversation about anything, least of all religion. I kind of registered that their eyes had gotten as big as dinner plates, but they politely said goodbye and I shut the door.

It was only when I went to put the baby I was holding down that I noticed that my bathrobe was completely open. I flashed a pair of Mormon missionaries! I sometimes wonder if that made their day or frightened them.

oh. my. god.

The girls and I went to the library on Tuesday. As we were leaving, loaded down with books, Elizabee was being silly and teased me, "I'm going to be a teenager in a year, Mommy!" "Nuh-uh. You'll be a teenager in 6 years. 7 plus 6 is 13."

Then I literally stopped walking and said, "Oh, dear. You're more than halfway to being a teenager!" We both kind of stared at each other. "Nuh-uh!" said Bebe. "Uh, uh-huh!" I replied. Then I looked at Louisa and said, "And Lou, too!"

Dear Lord, somebody hold me.